Fight

How many time have you heard me cry out "God please take this"...- Need you Now by Plumb

I'm tired I'm worn, my heart is heavy. From the work it takes to keep on breathing.....I cry out with all that I have left.....let me know the struggle ends...... I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life..... I'm worn, I've lost my will to fight.... -Worn by Tenth Avenue North

Winter has come back again, feels like the season won't end......I've got a busted heart I need You now.....Hold onto me, don't let me lose my way. Hold onto me.- Busted Heart by For King and Country

I wanna be so far gone in You, so far nothing else will ever do. - So Far Gone by Thousand Foot Krutch


These are some lyrics to the songs that I have been listening to a lot recently. Songs really speak to me. There are always those songs I hear numerous times, but at just the right time it begins to speak to me. I cry out to God and say "that is exactly how I am feeling". The past month has been a battle for me. As I grow closer to God, He continues to bring out areas in my life that I need healing in. While that is great, it is not so great for the people in my life that I hurt and push away in the process. With God's grace and stength, these great friends and hands of God, have stayed with me and helped my push through. They have been there during the days of mass text messages I send for help, prayer, and comfort. For the hours long phone calls when I feel I can't handle anymore. Through the arguing, and the cry of my heart when I felt I lost all hope. Through the words I have said to hurt them because I am hurting. I am not proud of these moments. But unfortunately, they happened. To make this more clear to you, I am struggling with anger and insecurity in my life. When I hit rock bottom about a month ago, I really started seeking God's help, and guidance. I couldn't live like this anymore, and I was not getting better. I was struggling to feel cared about, accepted, and loved. I broke down, but in doing that I found my will to fight again. I never thought I would get through this struggle and mindset. But God had different plans. He placed people in my life, my church family, to be there for me to talk to, lift me up in prayer, and speak words of truth into me. This is where I started looking up. I realized that the only way out of this mindset was to fight. Fight to be who God was trying to get me to be. Fight to be who God originally made me to be before the hurt and lies of my world got ahold of me.

I have again started praying with a very good friend. She is wise, and even when it is probably hard for her, she listens to the cry of my heart. God has begun to show me during my prayer time the lies that I have been believing, and the past hurts that have entangled me from being free and forgiving. I have learned that a father is a big part of a child's security. When I was little I pushed and pushed my boundaries. That's what kids do. However, my dad didn't push back. He allowed me to do and get what ever I wanted. That was how he showed me love. That is now the distorted view of love that I have. My dad was not a bad person, he just didn't know the best way to be a parent. But now I understand why I struggle with feeling secure, I wasn't really ever fully secure and I am still pushing to get it.
Today I am doing better. Way better than I thought I would be doing, but that is because God does so much more than we can ever imagine! I have a different perspective on the way I was feeling, and I have the will to see it for what it is and fight against it. Every day God shows me something new and how I am making progress. I am so thankful for this because I was going down a horrible road. Once again a Father came to rescue His daughter. Even though it hurt, He heard the true cry of my heart. He knows I want to follow Him and do His will. In order to do that I need to bring light to the dark areas of my life.

I do not want to go through and tell you everything God has shown me because that would take a while. I am sure there will be other blog posts later about more truths He has given me. However, I know that you may be out there struggling with the same thing, or even something different. That is ok. God is still with you. I just want to encourage you that even if you are at rock bottom, that is really where the healing starts. Sometimes you need to hit that spot where you feel you have nothing left. This allows you to completely give up and let God take control. I know it's hard. I know some days you will feel great, and other days like you have done nothing. Do not believe the lies. Just look to God and pray. You will not be down forever. When you mess up, fess up and clean up. A good friend has told me that. Even if it feels like you do it every day, keep on pushing. Fight!

What's your Ellsworth?

Ellsworth by Rascal Flatts

 

Grandma burned the biscuits,

 nearly took the house down with it.

Now she's in assisted livin',

we all knew that day would come.

We knew she was too gone to drive,

the day she parked on I-65.

Found her on the sholder cryin',

she didn't know where she was.

It's like her mind just quit,

oh but bring up grandpa its like someone flipped a switch...

 

A front porch light in a blue Desota,

couple straws in a coca-cola,

you can see it all goin' down.

A handsome boy in army greeen, a tear on his face,

down on a knee, shaky voice, a diamond ring,

she'll put you in that town.

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today,

but just ask her about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948.

 

She takes out his medals.

A cigar box of letters.

Sits and scatters pictures,

black and whites of days gone by.

We started losing her when she lost him.

But to hear her carry on,

you'd swear she's 17 again.

 

Football games the leaves a cracklin',

walkin' her home in his letter jacket,

you can see it all goin down.

A perfect on a front porch glider,

saying goodnight for the next three hours.

Her tired eyes glow wild and bright,

when she talks about that town.

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today,

but just ask her about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948.

 

While the world is fading all around her,

sharin' a sundae at the counter,

he's goin on an on about her,

but she's right there right now.

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today,

but just ask her about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948.

 

 

     This is another song that I have loved ever since I heard it a couple of years ago. Everytime I hear it I am just moved about what it shows me. Just picture an older lady being lost in this world because her mind is starting to escape her. She is losing her memory, and is not able to do the things she used to do. She is frustrated, upset, and feels like a burden. But once you mention the love of her life, she is right back in those memories and she can tell you stories of their lives together for hours. She is happy and back to what she knows. That is just beautiful to me.

 

     Sometimes it just reminds me of the times I used to ask my aunt to tell me stories of what life was like for her and my mom when they were growing up. I have always been one to ask a lot of questions about the past, and the "old times". She would usually laugh at me and just say, ''oh mija, I will sit down with you someday and tell you everything''. However, she did not get the chance. She passed away a year ago. I know that if my grandma was still around I would have asked her a lot of these questions too. But she was taken to be with God when I was 10. I have just always loved old stories like this song mentions.

 

     Another way this song makes me think is "What's my Ellsworth?". When I feel lost in life, like I am failing, not doing things right, trying so hard, frustrating my self or others around me, where do I go? A place, frame of mind, or memory where things were better, happier, and where I can get encouragement. Just something to focus on for a while so I can gather my thoughts. To bring me back up again and show me that things won't stay bad forever. Just a mood changer so that when I get back to reality, I am energized and ready to push through the hard times.

     I know that I have a lot of good things in my life that I can focus on when I feel I am struggling and getting lost. Jesus is a big one. I know that I can think back about all the things he has shown me, brought me through, and told me over the past years. When times get hard I need to focus on the good things for a while, get my mind right, and come back ready to tackle the storm put before me.

     I don't know if this song speaks to you in the same way it speaks to me. If it doesn't, that's ok. But I just want to ask you, what is your Ellsworth? What or where can you go to give you the strength and encouragment to tackle the storms in your life? I don't suggested you stay there forever, but I bet it would give you a good escape just so you can come back to run your race and finish strong.