A new perspective

It is amazing what things God puts on your mind when you don't have much to think about. Thursday's and Friday's are my days to focus on cleaning the house so that when the weekend gets here there is not much to do. Vacuuming is probably my least favorite thing to do, but I usually put in my headphones and listen to music to make it more enjoyable. Today however I was trying to catch up on the Biggest Loser so I put my computer on pause and decided just to run the vacuum without music. Then my mind starts to go. Times like these I do like to talk to God, think about the past week, or what I have to do next. I am sure that many of us have downtime like that where we think about certain things. And of course I am a woman so it happens many times throughout the day.
Today God had me thinking about gifts. Last week my brother came in from out of town and I was pretty edgy. We all chipped in to get my sister a new washer because hers broke down. That was all fine, but it got me to thinking about gifts and what they really mean. This is a surprise even to me because I am a BIG gift person. I listen very carefully to pick up hints on anything that my family, or friends want so that when Christmas, or birthdays come up I have the perfect idea. I believe that this came from my dad. When I was growing up my dad didn't spend much time with me. I can see now that I longed for time with him, and that that is what I NEEDED, but not getting it for so long extinguished that fire. It was replaced with the fact that "Daddy can't be here, but here is a gift instead. This is how daddy's show love." I grew up knowing that my dad would mainly give me anything I wanted, all I had to do was ask. This lead to me not having a good view of my dad because I wanted him just for things. We didn't have the best relationship, but I know now he was doing the best he could do. However, a girl needs her father's attention, not gifts as a replacement. What good is a gift in memories? Sure I remember things that my dad gave me, but was that gift at my track meets in school? Was that gift cheering me on during my tennis matches? That gift didn't comfort me when I cried, it didn't read me bedtime stories, nor did it encourage me at times I excelled. More importantly, the gifts do not replace the fact that my dad chose to not be apart of my life anymore. It was not a fair trade. Its not like everything is ok now because as long as I have the gifts my dad gave me I am set for life. No, I still needed him to be there physically.
To be honest all this ran through my head in about 5 minutes. It is like God turned on a switch in my life that I needed to see and now was the perfect time. I love to give gifts. Or should I say loved? I can see now that gifts do not replace the person, and they do not show someone you love them as much as spending time with them. I don't want to do to people what my dad showed and done to me. Maybe it was the best he could do, but it is not the best I can do. I didn't realize that I was giving gifts to replace my time. But that is what my family and friends need most. My attention and to know that I am there spending time with them. I am sure I will still give gifts, but my outlook of them will be totally different. I want to be the one there making memories with them. This is the love people need.
This has been a real revelation for me and I am so thankful to God! I have wondered ever since I read the 5 love languages book why my love language was gifts. I always wondered why they were so important to me and that book helped me hold onto an excuse. Not that gifts could not be a good love language for some people, but I just felt that "Oh here is a book that says gifts are ok, so I must be ok". I can see now that gifts was not my first love language, but one that was pushed on me when quality time wasn't met. Thank you God for your amazing love and for opening yet another part of me up!