Remembering Matthew Wayne Meredith

Seven years ago today my friend Matthew Wayne Meredith no longer had to battle with brain cancer. February 24, 2005, Matt was called by God to start his eternal life.

Matthew was diagnosed with brain cancer around age 4.  He began radiation quickly, but a couple of times the cancer came back and the process started all over again. During our sophomore year of high school Matt's family got the news. The cancer was back. I remember our school raising money for his family for hospital bills. Matt was getting treatment in Texas. It was one of the best places for his condition and promised lots of hope. Again, Matt beat the cancer! He was back for our junior year of high school and ready to enjoy it. We all missed him and loved having him back!

Senior year is supposed to be the best year of your high school career. A new chapter is about to unfold and everything you dream of being is about to come true. Sadly for Matt, his senior year would be different. I remember finding out that his cancer had come back again. This time however, it was not curable. The doctor said that the scan of his brain showed another growth, but the last radiation treatment had made the picture too foggy to get a definite answer. Not only that, but even if they found out it was cancerous his body was too weak to go through another round of treatment.

Matt was getting worse and ended up laying in bed, or hanging around the house spending time with his family. It was sad to see his sister going through this too. She was at school some days and other days stayed home to be with him. I am glad that he got to spend his remaining time with the people he loved.

Matt's biggest dream was to finish high school. I know that was important to him. I am happy to say that he did his school work at home and completed high school in December 2004. Graduation day brought tears to my eyes because I wish Matt could have walked across that stage with us. In a way I feel like he deserved it more than we did. I couldn't help but stare at the empty chair in front of me where he would have been sitting. Our graduating class wore red ribbons on our gowns in rememberancce if him.

One regret that I have is that I never really told him goodbye. Towards the end he was very weak and couldn't do much. Matt's family got him a pager so that anyone could page to let him know they were thinking about him. I had every intention of doing this, but the day I was finally going to is when I got the news. Matt had passed away earlier that day. I will never forget that I waited too long to send him a page.

Matt's funeral was beautiful. It was packed all the way to the back of the church. I could just feel the love and memories that people now held in their hearts. There are two songs that will now always make me think of Matt when I hear them. He picked one out himself that he wanted to play. It is titled Crossroads by Bone Thugs N Harmony. One of the lines in the song says "See you at the crossroads, and I'm gonna miss everybody". The song is about dying, but seeing everyone again at the crossroads. I must say that when I heard this song at  Matt's funeral I didn't know what it was. Not long after that I heard it on the radio, and then like now I couldn't help but say a quiet "Hello Matt, I'll see you at the crossroads." The other song was dedicated to him by his sister. It is titled Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. It was perfect for the occasion.

Matt was buried with our senior pictures that we got to give him one of the last times he was at school. He did have senior pictures taken and I even picked out the ones that I wanted. I must say that I am so glad that I got the chance to give him mine, but sad because I never got his.

Please make sure you are saying the words you need to say. Don't think that you will always have another chance. Let people know what they mean to you.

I miss your hugs and smile Matt. I think about you often but I know that you are now cured. I'll see you at the crossroads!

Peace in the waiting

This post may be very vague, but I am going to try to explain it as best I can. I just felt like I needed to share what God spoke to me today. It was a great revelation annd brought me some much needed peace.

I am not a person who likes to think through things. Many times throughout my life I was given what I wanted right when I wanted it. Looking back I can see how that effected me in more ways than one. Not only was I looked at for being spoiled, it lead to a way of thinking that was not healthy. I notice that even now when I want something, I should get it at the time I want it. If not, that means I am not going to get it at all, or so I think.  (This is not only meaning material things, but more like emotional things such as answers.) When I have problems I notice that I have the desire to figure it out right then and there. I think about it all day until I come up with an answer. However sometimes I don't, and when that happens my mind starts to run away with me and think about the problem even longer and feel like I am not hearing God right if He hasn't given me an answer yet. After this stage, I am lead to "well, maybe God wants me to do the thing I have no desire to do and don't want to do." In the end I am sad, frustrated, confused, and angry with God because how could be make me do something I dont want to do, or dont even like! ( I know that this stems from the fact that I do things to please people even if I don't like it, so I feel that God will have me not be my true self as well).

God reveled to me that this was not the case at all! He reminded me that thinking though things and not jumping on our feelings, or what we want at the moment is HEALTHY! He does not always give us what we want when we want it. But that does not mean that we will not get it at all. It means that you are given time to think through it. Think about the right way to go about it. Its just like when a child gets something that they want right away. When they act on imulse about something they want and you give it to them, chances are maybe 2 days later they want nothing to do with that thing anymore. The newness is over, or they really figure out it is not what they wanted afterall. That is understandable for children, but we as adults should be different. We shouldn't grow up still acting on our impulses. We need to think things through. Once you look at all the different outcomes, and what you really want, you will be more able to go after it in the right way and keep it. Not drop it after a couple of days. There are many things in our adult lives that we need to think about and not jump into. The reprocussions of our choices are bigger. A failed marriage, children, jobs, and many more things that we are not able to just say "oh well, I dont want it anymore. I thought I did."

God just really showed me that not having an answer right away is not a bad thing. It is a way to call on God and look for His guidence. We wouldn't need Him in our lives if everu time we had a decision to make we had to decide it then and there. Sometimes you won't have an answer until you take some action, and you know what? Thats ok! Even if you pray about it for a long time doesn't mean God will give you an answer without taking action. You may need to try one thing or another and just keep praying. He will guide you what to do. But you will have to make choices and mistakes. But guess what?? That's ok too!!

Don't be fooled like me and stuck in a childish way of thinking. You don't need answers right away, and just because you have to think about it doesn't mean the answer is no. Your being smart and thinking through your decision just like God wants you to. :)

GNC~Fusion~BnR

I have mentioned before that I attend Good News Church and am a youth leader. Well our youth group is called Fusion, and within our youth we have smaller community groups that keep us even closer. The group I lead is called Broken and Redefined. I am so blessed to be apart of this group and be involved in my girls lives. It is just awesome to be a part of something that I have seen grow from the beginning. We were all able to come up with a name together, and our group motto. Broken and Redefined means that we have been torn down many times in our lives, but these moments have helped us grow stronger in God, redefining our lives. Our motto is " Break us open, make us new, redefine us to look like You." We want to be changed to be who God wants us to be from the inside out. We want to reflect Him in our lives.

Here is a picture of me and some of my girls at our bowling event

We have a youth event about every month. I really look forward to these. We have a New Year's Eve party, bowling event, spring retreat, Fusion live, Race at the lake, summer camp, jr high welcome event, back to school party, fall retreat, turkey bowl, and hayrack ride. Our most recent event was bowling. We had a competition between the community groups to see who could bowl the best average. My team did not win, but I had a ton of fun! Not to mention, I had the highest bowling score out of our whole youth group! Including the adults, two of them who had a hard time admitting it (Chris and Josh) but finally gave in.

I dont know if you can see this very well but I am on the top. I scored a 141!!

That may not be good for you, but it is AMAZING for me! I have never bowled that in my life and I am not sure if I ever will again! It was a great birthday present from God :)

We have fun at Fusion. We are always making memories and having a good time. I am sure I will be blogging about our next event...Spring Retreat. It is a favorite of many of us at Fusion.

Josh and Chris being goofy. Yes, the guy in green is our youth pastor!