Full Control

This past Friday, December 16th, I graduated from Washburn University. I know that in a previous blog I posted that my family was going through a difficult time and that I was not going to attend my ceremony. After a lot of praying, thinking, and talking with family and friends, I decided that I would still walk. I know that I wanted to, but still did not like the fact that my mom was going to be going through surgery that same day, missing my graduation. I know that sounds selfish, but my mom has been there for me for everything. No matter what I go through she has been there and that is what I look for the most. I feel like I can't do anything without my mom. She gives me strength when I feel down, encouragement for the times I want to give up, support in my goals, prayers for guidence, wisdom, input, love, and so much more.

Not only was my mom not going to be able to watch me graduate, I also knew I was going to be worried about her and uneasy at my graduation until I found out how she was doing. When we first found out that my mom was having her surgery on December 16th it was going to be at 1:30 p.m. After the initial sadness I thought "well God at least I will be able to know how she is doing before I graduate". So that was good. About a week and a half before the surgery my mom got a call from the Dr. The surgery was going to be at 3:30 p.m. and would take 1 1/2 to 2 hours. I was told to be at the site of graduation by 5:45 pm. I thought "ok God that is close but 2 hours would be 5:30 so please let me still be able to know how my mom is before I leave for graduation". I was sad that it was later in the day, but I knew this was something I couldn't control. I, like many of us, like to have control of what I can. It is hard for me to give things over to God because I feel like He will not give me what I want. I think that in this situation I knew it was out of my control, so I was able to give it more to God. Or so I thought.

The day of my mom's surgery came and we got to the hospital around 1:30 p.m. like the Dr requested. As 3:30 came around I started to wonder why the nurses had not come in to prep her for surgery and get the IV's going. About 3:35 the nurse came in and started checking my mom's paperwork and checking that she knew what she was going to have done. Then the news. Her surgery was scheduled for 6:00 p.m. My heart sank. My graduation started at 6:30 and I automatically knew that I was going to have to go through graduation away from my mom, and unaware of how the surgery went until after. I remember thinking "how could you do this to me God? What am I supposed to learn from this? This hurts, not only is it the same day, but now the same time?" Despite my questions, I was able to leave for my graduation a bit teary eyed while giving my mom a hug, kiss, and telling her I would see her later. My brother went with me to my graduation while my sister and some other family members stayed with my mom.

While lining up for graduation and throughout the duration I was at peace. I was more calm than I thought I would be and I know that it was from God. In asking my brother later why he thought God wanted me to go through it I came to find my answer. I felt like God was telling me that even though I gave Him some control, I did not let Him have it all. Did you notice that I said earlier that I was ok as long as I would know the outcome before I left for graduation? That was still wanting control. I knew I did not have a lot in the situation, but I held on to what I could. I still wanted to know how my mom was before I could go on to what I had to do. God showed me that He had to take full control. He had to show me that He could take care of my mom without me. He needed to push me away to where I had no control just to show me that He loved me and that He does not want to hurt me. God was telling me "Rachael I can be there for you, and your mom at the same time. Just because we can't be where we want to be it does not mean that something bad will happen. You need to give me control and trust that I will not hurt you." That was amazing to hear.

I need to mention that I had a great brother, and amazing friends who came to support me. No it was not my mom, but God used this for His good. He showed me that I have people who care about me, love me, will encouage me, and be there for me when I need them. It was so overwhelming to see that I am cared about so much. Thanks God for placing an extended family in my life. I pray that I am able to be there for them like they are there for me. Amen.