Ready or Not

The past couple of weeks have been kind of rough for me. However, I do see God's hand in my life, and I am so glad that He has been healing me.

 In one of my past posts I mentioned how I went through some tough times that made me realize that my emotions had been missing for a long time. I came to the conclusion that in order for me to live, God needed to shut me down for a while and then restart me when I was ready, and when I was willing to let Him be my help. The road has been long, but I am so happy to report that even though I have not completely arrived, I would say I am a great deal of the way on my journey. To be perfectly honest it is a lifelong journey, so I can not say I will ever fully arrive because events, good or bad, happen in our life and we have to deal with them all the time. I just know that I want to continue to get better each time I am faced with something. I know that I have gone though lots of prayer and healing, thanks to a very special friend, and I was able to see my progress in the way that I have taken things the past couple of weeks. Mind you, I will say that I was devestated, sad, angry, and hurt, but another good friend needed to remind me "that at least your feeling something!"

On November 11, my family accompanied my mom to the dr.'s office because she had complained of a pain in her stomach and the dr. ordered a sonogram. This was the day the results came in, and I did not have a good feeling about it. The results showed a mass 3 inches long on her kidney, and his diognosis-renal cancer. That was such a blow to my stomach and I about broke down and cried right there. But I knew I had to be strong for my mom so I stayed silent. I had so many thoughts running through my head, including stopping myself from going into a panic attack, and or running out the door. I stayed with my family that night and was just processing everything when I knew God was starting to tell me something. He told me that He never gives us anything we can't handle. He knows what I have been through in the past and how much healing I have received. He told me that I am now healthy enough to go through this. He wouldn't let it hurt me or let me regress back to what I was before. How amazing it was to know that God was there with me and that I needed to not be afraid of bad things that happen in my life in fear that I will shut down again. There is a healthy way of dealing with things and that is the next step for me. I am ready! It doesn't mean that when bad things happen I will be happy, it just means I will have emotion and deal with them correctly. After hearing this from God I was happy that He showed me this new outlook. The rest of the evening with my mom and brother finished up with a late dinner, laughs, and watching a TV show we all enjoy. It was all going to be ok!

I woke up first the next morning because I had a weekend class I had to be at by 8:30. It was about 7:00 when I checked the time on my phone and seen that I had a missed call from my aunt and missed call and voicemail from mycousin. Listening to the voicemail it confirmed what I already knew...my aunt (my mom's older sister) had passed away during the night. I woke my mom and brother up in a panicked cry. After letting them know what happened, I started getting ready to go see family and make food to take. During this time I just prayed to God and said "wow I must really be ready to handle things God because I just got hit with something else." During the time with my family and my aunt's wake and funeral I was really upset. I cried, and had many thoughts going through my head. Life it too short! What is going to happen to my mom? I can't go through what my cousins are going through right now! My aunt was supposed to tell me more stories of my family history! We were supposed to make tamales together and watch KU games! Why did this have to happen? At some points I felt I wouldn't be able to handle all of it, but I just thought about how God would use this to help me.

The week's have calmed down quite a bit but with my mom's dr. appointments worry sets in off and on. I feel like my emotions have been on the craziest rollercoaster ever. At some points I have been so upset I thought that I was better off when I didn't feel anything. During those times I would cry out to God, apologize and just ask him to help me through. It has been rough. With my brother coming in from out of town, I am on edge because we don't get along too well. My feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and wanting to please everyone around me even if it means I am not being who I really am set in. Along with the loss of a 5 year unhealthy friendship that I dont feel like I can fight for anymore. Playing "Prayer for a Friend" by Casting Crowns has allowed me to shed a lot of tears and really make me think that the best, and last thing I can do is give them over to God, even though I feel lost.

Through all this though, I know God is with me. Yesterday I sobbed and cried so hard out to him, then I fell asleep. When I woke up I felt so much better and like I had a complete change in my thoughts. I know that He gave me strength and took away many of my worries. With the new year coming in, I know our family will start out with a victory! My mom's surgery is December 16th, and they are removing her left kidney. The CT scans have showed that the cancer has not spread, PRAISE GOD! Even with the good news of my mom's surgery, I was hurt because that is the day of my graduation. Now she would not be able to be there for me. It would be a milestone in my life that I would have liked to share with her. I don't know why God planned it that way, but I have to trust that maybe in time we will find out. I also have to trust that He works all things out for our good. I have made the decision, with God's guidence, that I will not participate in my graduation ceremony. I know that that day I will be right where I am supposed to be...with my family.

Ready or not...God gave me my emotions back...He knows I am ready. I hope I learn to work with them and continue my walk to healing. I can not stress enough how important our emotions are. I pray that everyone who is emotionally shut down allows God to open them up. Emotions don't mean you are weak, they mean you are HEALTHY!

Why

I have been wanting to write this blog post for a while and now I am sitting down to do it. I pray it is uplifting for you. I just feel I need to share it because we all need to be reminded of our absolutely beautiful song.

Rascal Flatts is one of my favorite secular bands. One day during naptime at my job (I work at a daycare) I was you tubing some of their songs and listening to them. I came across one I hadn't heard before, but knowing I like the band I clicked to listen. It was titled "Why". This song had tears welling up in my eyes in seconds, but by the end I was reminded of hope and stength in God and how beautiful life is!

In case you haven't heard this song before, it is about suicide. I do reccomend you listen to it, but if it is too personal for you I understand. It is on my playlist at the bottom of the page, or you can YouTube it. I must say that yes the song is sad, but the ending is what lifts me up. I personally do not struggle with suicide, but I know that sadly many people do. Some days I do feel like giving up on certain situations, but it is heartbreaking to think that some believe that all hope is lost, and their life is not worth living. This song really touched my heart. Here is a warning if you do not want to go any further because I am going to put the lyrics.

It must have been a place so dark you couldn't feel the light,

reachin' for you though that stormy cloud. Now here wae are gathered in our little home town, this cant be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh why, thats why I keep askin'. Was there anything I could've said or done? Oh I had no clue you were maskin' a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song.

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old. Roundin' third to score the winning run. You always played with passion no matter what the game. When you took the stage you shine just like the sun. Oh why thats what I keep askin'. Was there anything I could've said or done? Oh I had no clue you were maskin' a troubled soul, oh God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song.

Now the oak trees are swayin', in the early atutumn breeze, the golden sun shinging on my face. The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing this whole world really ain't that bad a place. Oh why there's no comprehending and who am I to try to judge or explain. Oh but I do have one burning question, who told you life wasn't worth the fight? They were wrong, they lied, now your gone and we cried, cuz its not like you to walk away in the middle of a song. Your beautiful song. Your absolutely beautiful song.

I underlined the part of the song that I really like the most. It really made me think and choke up. Yes, this world can be hard at times and  there are things we want to give up and let go of, but please don't let go of your life. Dont let your enemy tell you to give up. Don't let him lie to you and tell you that your not worth anything. Life is worth fighting for! It is your beautiful song that God gave you!

God Bless You

I went to Hyvee tonight to pick up some food for my family. It is that time of year when there are bell ringers outside the stores for the Salvation Army. I am sure you have seen them by now. I don't really have cash on me much so I am not a frequent donator, but tonight I had a dollar so I put it in the bucket. The lady surprised me because she said "Merry Christmas, God Bless You". I was so surprised. I had to stop and thank her for not only saying Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays, but also for adding God Bless You! I told her I really appreciated it because many bell ringers and checkers at stores say Happy Holidays more often than Merry Christmas.
It was so meaningful to me that I am challenging myself and want to invite you to join in. I plan on during this Christmas season to start carrying some cash with me so I am able to put in at least a dollar for many bell ringers. I would like to hear their response, and even if they say "Happy Holidays", I will reply with "Merry Christmas, God Bless You". I don't know what they will say or do, maybe nothing, but I hope to at least get them thinking about the true meaning of Christmas. Who knows, maybe it will be just the words someone may need to hear. I know that tonight I did, it was God's perfect timing.

If you choose to take the challenge with me I would love to hear comments on any responses or God moments happened because of it.

Thanks for Your Service!

As you may know, today is Veteran's Day. Growing up in a military family, I have always had pride for the United States Armed Forces. Many times when I see veteran's I go up to them and thank them for their service. I like seeing the older gentleman who proudly wear their hats that show which war they served in. It is a privalege to see those who have served in WWII or Vietnam because they have been through a lot of history. They have some of the best war stories. However, I have repect for and enjoy listening to any war story.

I just wanted to take time out today to thank all those who have served and are currently serving in our Armed Forces. Your dedication to protecting our country is greatly appreciatied. I would also like to thank the familes that give up their loved ones during this difficult time. I know that not only is your family member giving up their life, but you are too. Holidays, birthdays, and just every day life and its struggles without your loved ones is hard.

I wanted to take time out and personally recognize some of my family and friends who have served in the military. Thanks so much and Happy Veteran's Day!

My father, brother-Chris, Dornella Leal, Eric Bohmke, David Gage, Doug Hickman, Terry Knowles

My brother-Ray, Michael Glaubitz, Sarah Marsh, Ryan Marsh, James McDonald, Suzettte Smith, Joe Escalante, Duane Fisher

My uncle- Raymond Tetuan, Christina Lopez, Raymond Fisher

Renette Coleman, Kevin Nutter,

I am sorry if I forgot someone but know I thank you too! God Bless!

Happy Birthday DEVIL DOGS!

Today is the 236th birthday of the United States Marine Corps! OORAH!

Marine Corps Seal- Eagle, Globe and Anchor

My brother joined the Marine Corps when I was 1 year old. I can tell you that I have just as much pride in the Marines as he does and he was the one who served. Growing up I knew that my dad was a marine and my brother, Chris was a marine. Or should I say IS. Once a marine, always a marine- is their motto. That is very strong to me. To know that no matter where they go,  they have a certain comraderie with others who have served as the Pesident's Own. Yes, this is another name for the smallest military force we have. The United States Marines are commancded by the president. They are the only force that the president can send into a situation without consulting anyone else.

This is one of my favorite helicopters the Marine's have- except it is known as "the widowmaker"

I just think it looks pretty cool. Apparently many have gone down :(



 I guess you could say that I am so proud that my father and brother's, my other brother Ray was in the Air Force, served their country well. My father served in the Vietnam war, while my brothers served in the Persian Gulf War. It is a good thing that I wasn't born for one, and was too little to remember for the other because who knows how I would have handled it. I know it was hard on my mom to not only have her husband serve overseas, but then two sons as well. She is very proud of them.

 I am thankful to be a Marine Corps sister, and so proud of my brother. He is truly an amaing man!

Again, Happy Birthday to all the Marines. Thank you for laying down your life for our country. We will never be able to repay you. If you know or see any Marines today, be sure to wish them a Happy Birthday!

If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven's scene, they will see the streets are guarded by  United States Marines!





Emotions

I don't know who I am,
Who You created me to be,
But I know that it is stirring
deep inside of me.

What I really long for
I hope to find one day
and each I am night praying
"God please lead the way."

Show me the fire,
That you put inside my heart,
So I can do Your work,
and finally play my part.

I know I will get better,
On being the real me,
I know that I am healing,
One day I'll be free!

This is the first poem I have written in years! Sorry that it is not that great, but I hope to get better. I used to have verses come into my head all the time, but once I got emotionally traumatized it stopped. I have to say that I am so excited to have my mind back to doing this. I used to love writing poems. I know that God created me to be an emotional person and to feel deep, but I lost this for a long time. I really don't know everything about myself yet, but I hope the real me comes out little by little. I know that sounds weird but I have been searching for myself for a long time. I pray that this is another step that God has for me. I used to be a person who was carefree and went with the flow. More recently I am needing to be in control of everything. I know it has to do with a lot of things that were taken away from my life at once, and in order to stop that I numbed myself and took control. I need to give control back over to God and just be happy and live every day as it comes. Sorry if I am just rambling, but I just needed to think this out. I didn't know when the day would come that my emotions would be back in this way, but I am very happy. Thank you God, this is a great blessing to me. A very happy ending to a not so great day. But I know now that I can turn it around with God's help and love! :)

God's still providing

In case you haven't read my other blog posts on God providing what I need, you may want to go back and check those out. If not I can give you a little summary. I am a full time student, working part time, but yet God still gives me just the right amount of money to live. Many times I am still able to do fun things I want to do. God is amazing like that!

God provided again today. Back in the middle of July through the middle of August I worked for the substance abuse task force for the military. (I am in the Air National Guard). It was an assignment I was offered, and I was thankful for the opportunity. It allowed me to work full time for a month, and get a good amount of pay. I already had plans for the paychecks I would be getting. First I would save up for to pay for my schooling for this last semester (I am graduating in December), get ahead on my bills, and start saving so that once I started school I would not be living pay check to pay check. Since school takes most of my money I was glad to get that paid off first!

Since I am in the air guard I get money for school tuition, plus money monthly for expenses. For my tuition assistance I hand in a paper every semester that says I am still in the guard, and the school uses that paper to process with the military how much money I will get. This is the same for every person in my situation. The school talks with the military and the military sees how many people are getting the tuition assistance for that semester. In the end a certain percentage of everyone's schooling is paid for. Before I decided how much money to put in my school fund I thought about how much usually gets paid. I didn't want to have to worry about being short and then not having enough. In looking back I figured out that the military has never really paid less than 85% of their student's tuition, but to be safe I went with 80%. So I went to calculating. I seen how much my tuition for this semester was and figured what part the military was paying if they paid 80%, and I would put the rest in my school fund. That figure came to be $500, and that is if they just paid 80% but they normally pay more, so I was safe. This process takes well into the semester so that is also why I like to save up early. In the past when I have needed to enroll for the next semester the military gives us our money a couple of days before we can enroll, and then the school gives us our balance. If you don't pay that by enrollment time, you can't enroll. That has stunk before because I have needed certain classes, and you can only enroll on certain days for a week so it was important to me to save my money so that once the military paid their share, I could go right in and pay mine too. This isn't the case since I do not need to enroll next semester, but I was just wanting to get my last semester paid for on time and be done! :)

Well I got my $500 dollars set aside by the beginning of August and I was so pleased with myself. I was also so thankful that God gave me the job opportunity, and that I used the money wisely. A couple of weeks ago I got an email from the school saying that they were estimating that the military was only going to pay 73% this semester. I was bummed! I was thinking "oh no, now I need to be putting a little more money into my fund because $500 wasn't going to be enough!" I ended up putting a little more in but then haven't gotten a chance since, just with other bills and stuff. For some reason I wasn't really worried about it, and now I know why. It was God's peace. As I left a friends house today I checked my email. I had a message from my school saying that the military money was going to hit our accounts today so check around 5:00 p.m. to see your new balance. And the best part.... the military is paying 93.75% of my tuition! Praise GOD! I was so excited to read this!

I was preparing for 73%, hoping for more, but God gave above and beyond what I was even thinking! I was giving myself a good cushion with 80% in August, and so proub of myself that I was getting the most out of my job opportunity and saving money, and it seems like now God was pleased too. He even blessed me!

I pray now that I am able to put the extra money I have where God wants me to put it. He is a great provider!

Its that time of year again

So I figured I haven't written a fun post yet and its about time I do :)

In case you don't know Kansas basketball starts tonight, and I am a HUGE Jayhawk fan! So of course at 7:00 tonight I will be in front of a T.V. closed off from the rest of the world. Tonight and next Tuesday are just exhibition games, but still I am excited to see what this year will bring. KU lost a good amount of great players last season so I am not expecting too much. But good or bad, I stand by KU at all times! :)

I have been a KU fan since I can remember. My mom used to watch the games when I was little and so I remember seeing some of them with her. Then we just got busy and I wasn't able to really watch them. I remember being in high school during my sophmore year and I met a girl who was a die hard KU fan. During Spanish class she would talk about the players and who she liked on the team. If you are a KU fan, then I am sure you remember Jeff Boschee. Yes, many girls thought he was very cute, reguardless of his baskbetball abilities. Anyways it was during that year that I really got back into watching the Jayhawks. It was cool to see the game, and then come to class and talk about what happened and sharing our frustrations if they lost. Just to help you out that, means I have watched KU play every year for about 9 years now! I am sure there are many people who have kept up with them for longer, but that is still a long time to me.

"Late Night in the Phog" is probably favorite event that kicks off the basketball season at KU. This event is free to the public, but to get good seats you need to be there early. I have waited in line for 5 hours before just to get a good seat to this event. Crazy, I know! Late Night is a fun night with skits by the men and women's basketball teams, watching the mascots, Baby and Big Jay play around, some past basketball players do some skits, and ends with a highlight video of basketball since the beginning at KU, and a montage of games played while remembering all the players. The team also does a scrimmage and it is good to see what the season will bring and the new freshman.The atmosphere in the fieldhouse is amazing and so great. I love being there, surrounded by all the other people who are ready to support the Jayhawks during the upcoming season.

Me and my friend Kaci waiting for the Jayhawks at Billard

Sasha Kaun

Assistant Coach-Danny Manning (previously played for KU)

Head Coach- Bill Self

Assistant Coach- KurtisTownsend

Me and Russell Robinson

Me and Tyrel Reed 

Brady Morningstar! #12 :)

Wayne Simeon

 Brandon Rush

Mario Chalmers (I dont think anyone really knows him ;) )

I have many more pictures but that would be a lot to put up! I have been to many Late Nights, seen them land at Billard airport, watch pretty much every game and more. All in all I LOVE KANSAS JAYHAWKS!