Ready or Not

The past couple of weeks have been kind of rough for me. However, I do see God's hand in my life, and I am so glad that He has been healing me.

 In one of my past posts I mentioned how I went through some tough times that made me realize that my emotions had been missing for a long time. I came to the conclusion that in order for me to live, God needed to shut me down for a while and then restart me when I was ready, and when I was willing to let Him be my help. The road has been long, but I am so happy to report that even though I have not completely arrived, I would say I am a great deal of the way on my journey. To be perfectly honest it is a lifelong journey, so I can not say I will ever fully arrive because events, good or bad, happen in our life and we have to deal with them all the time. I just know that I want to continue to get better each time I am faced with something. I know that I have gone though lots of prayer and healing, thanks to a very special friend, and I was able to see my progress in the way that I have taken things the past couple of weeks. Mind you, I will say that I was devestated, sad, angry, and hurt, but another good friend needed to remind me "that at least your feeling something!"

On November 11, my family accompanied my mom to the dr.'s office because she had complained of a pain in her stomach and the dr. ordered a sonogram. This was the day the results came in, and I did not have a good feeling about it. The results showed a mass 3 inches long on her kidney, and his diognosis-renal cancer. That was such a blow to my stomach and I about broke down and cried right there. But I knew I had to be strong for my mom so I stayed silent. I had so many thoughts running through my head, including stopping myself from going into a panic attack, and or running out the door. I stayed with my family that night and was just processing everything when I knew God was starting to tell me something. He told me that He never gives us anything we can't handle. He knows what I have been through in the past and how much healing I have received. He told me that I am now healthy enough to go through this. He wouldn't let it hurt me or let me regress back to what I was before. How amazing it was to know that God was there with me and that I needed to not be afraid of bad things that happen in my life in fear that I will shut down again. There is a healthy way of dealing with things and that is the next step for me. I am ready! It doesn't mean that when bad things happen I will be happy, it just means I will have emotion and deal with them correctly. After hearing this from God I was happy that He showed me this new outlook. The rest of the evening with my mom and brother finished up with a late dinner, laughs, and watching a TV show we all enjoy. It was all going to be ok!

I woke up first the next morning because I had a weekend class I had to be at by 8:30. It was about 7:00 when I checked the time on my phone and seen that I had a missed call from my aunt and missed call and voicemail from mycousin. Listening to the voicemail it confirmed what I already knew...my aunt (my mom's older sister) had passed away during the night. I woke my mom and brother up in a panicked cry. After letting them know what happened, I started getting ready to go see family and make food to take. During this time I just prayed to God and said "wow I must really be ready to handle things God because I just got hit with something else." During the time with my family and my aunt's wake and funeral I was really upset. I cried, and had many thoughts going through my head. Life it too short! What is going to happen to my mom? I can't go through what my cousins are going through right now! My aunt was supposed to tell me more stories of my family history! We were supposed to make tamales together and watch KU games! Why did this have to happen? At some points I felt I wouldn't be able to handle all of it, but I just thought about how God would use this to help me.

The week's have calmed down quite a bit but with my mom's dr. appointments worry sets in off and on. I feel like my emotions have been on the craziest rollercoaster ever. At some points I have been so upset I thought that I was better off when I didn't feel anything. During those times I would cry out to God, apologize and just ask him to help me through. It has been rough. With my brother coming in from out of town, I am on edge because we don't get along too well. My feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and wanting to please everyone around me even if it means I am not being who I really am set in. Along with the loss of a 5 year unhealthy friendship that I dont feel like I can fight for anymore. Playing "Prayer for a Friend" by Casting Crowns has allowed me to shed a lot of tears and really make me think that the best, and last thing I can do is give them over to God, even though I feel lost.

Through all this though, I know God is with me. Yesterday I sobbed and cried so hard out to him, then I fell asleep. When I woke up I felt so much better and like I had a complete change in my thoughts. I know that He gave me strength and took away many of my worries. With the new year coming in, I know our family will start out with a victory! My mom's surgery is December 16th, and they are removing her left kidney. The CT scans have showed that the cancer has not spread, PRAISE GOD! Even with the good news of my mom's surgery, I was hurt because that is the day of my graduation. Now she would not be able to be there for me. It would be a milestone in my life that I would have liked to share with her. I don't know why God planned it that way, but I have to trust that maybe in time we will find out. I also have to trust that He works all things out for our good. I have made the decision, with God's guidence, that I will not participate in my graduation ceremony. I know that that day I will be right where I am supposed to be...with my family.

Ready or not...God gave me my emotions back...He knows I am ready. I hope I learn to work with them and continue my walk to healing. I can not stress enough how important our emotions are. I pray that everyone who is emotionally shut down allows God to open them up. Emotions don't mean you are weak, they mean you are HEALTHY!